Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
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Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I saw this ending much differently.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.