Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.