Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

saving face 👀

No one:

Absolutely no one:

My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

The Eggorcist