Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

“Sheer Arrogance”

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.