Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
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[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.