Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
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“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.