Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
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WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Helping my daughter with her 3rd grade math homework has me doubting I ever passed 3rd grade math.
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse