Lets make it happen guys!

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all this spending on black friday… better pay your electricity bill first or next friday will be black friday too


I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.


“Hello, 911”
Help I’m being murdered!
“Can you put the murderer on please”
“Gotta hear both sides”


I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.


Texts son – to come and hand me my drink 5 feet away

God he’s lazy, took him ten minutes to reply


ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about “cover your pin” mf you the thief


my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”


I told my 3 year old that Skittles are Care Bear meat and now I have the bag to myself.