“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
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Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Monday
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.