shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
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Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
He just like my cat fr
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask