Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

Daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!”

“Uhh, yeah, it’s because the bottom half is missing.”

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me