Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
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Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?