Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.