Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
You Might Also Like
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.