Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
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old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.![]()
mom gave me mine for free
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My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
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Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much