Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
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“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.