Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
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I am patiently waiting for your email
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
This one, by a wide margin
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z