Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
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The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids