Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
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ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Pass gas, not judgment.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?