Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
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Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
This is sending me to another galaxy
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
life finds a way
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Every BBC series about the universe.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I need this for my side hustle.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.