Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
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When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?