Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
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The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )