Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
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Like sleeping!
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
what it’s like dating me:
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.