*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
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Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.