Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

All I want for Christmas is my gross pay

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

ME: Happy New Year, Dad. We love you.
DAD: That’s great. Hey, put the dog back on the phone. I got another joke for him.

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

A room full of people:   ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

Born to be mild.

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*