*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
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GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Whisper out to librarians!