Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

My bad habits got renewed for another season.

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

no regrets

Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*