Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

❤️🦆

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today