Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom gave me mine for free

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

Me: I’m so bored.

Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?

Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!

[Home Depot]

Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?

ㅤ

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer