let’s play a round of hopscotch πβ π»ππΌ
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Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think Iβm a bot
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying βwe can defeat this if weβre not afraidβ and Iβm like βthis isnβt Pennywise itβs a PANDEMICβ
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, βif you keep falling out the bed weβre gonna have to get you a bigger bed.β For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
tweeting shouldnβt cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you canβt have an online Bachelorβs Degree in Nursing
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
βGUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!β
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
When youβre a tall person in a hotel shower
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said βbreast milkβ and now sheβs not talking to me.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Apparently βA shit tonβ is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”