let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
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*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.