let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
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You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.