let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
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Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*