let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
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acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Oddly specific
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog