Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.

Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”