Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us

Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

“Are you submissive? 😏”

No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose

Can’t. Sorry…

As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.

When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day

Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this