Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

Animal poetry

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.

I’m about to put on a white shirt.

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.