Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

Usage Guidelines

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet