Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

Her: So, what is your major?

Him: I study forensics.

Her: Dude, that’s just 10!

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.

My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.