Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

Bird: *flies into my office window*

Me: yeah, same.

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.