Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

friend: want to go swimming?

me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”