Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
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If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here