@TheBoydP

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

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@briangaar

Damn it’s cold out. Better wear a coat, hat, gloves & boots. Sorry legs, you’re still getting pants only, thanks for doing all the work tho

@dave_cactus

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

@ndiquote

There are 3 types of guys in this world
? 1) Handsome
? 2) Lucky
? 3) Me

@causticbob

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

@StellaRtwot

I bet you the first person to invent puzzles was a woman that ripped up a picture of her husband.

@BuckyIsotope

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

@SamGrittner

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

@VirgoSherry

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

@bholejuice

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.