Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
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A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
[shakes fist at other fist]
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.