Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
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Tell me you get it…🤣
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I always thought it was strange that Peter Parker works as a photographer…
Shouldn’t he be working in web design?
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee