Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
You Might Also Like
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
i made a craigslist ad !
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow