Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
You Might Also Like
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.