Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
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Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
See..?
.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Well, that should do it
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets