Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.

2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.

3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!

4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!

My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!