Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
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Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
💀
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Breaking news:
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?