Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!