“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
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My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?