Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.