“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
You Might Also Like
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok