Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
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you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.