“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
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[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy