“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
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The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!