Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then