“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
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He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I need to get some bricks…
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.