Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

You have been warned.

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

bears

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.

[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile