Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
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Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
saw this in a dream
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
where the womens at?
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.