Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
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Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Lmao
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
hmmmmmm
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking