Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
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mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
🥴😂
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
