Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
You Might Also Like
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.