Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
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ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
How to properly lift a body
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!