Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
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FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft