Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

This is a true ally.

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.

AM I BEING GASLIT????

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

nurse: height

me: i’m 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.

WHY?!