Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…

Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.