Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

is this a warning or an offer?

No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

My work here is done

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.