Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

Truth

Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

How did we not see this back then?

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.