Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
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I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Meeeee too!
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
just gave your address to some spiders
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.