Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
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FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
No laws when master is gone
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.