Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

middle school in the ’90s

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

*pronounces bondage like corsage.