Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
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Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I’ve been learning to cook.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.