Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
You Might Also Like
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”