Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…

This made me chuckle cuz mood

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

Just so funny

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive