Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
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Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*